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So, why did I start this blog? Short answer: In order to get closer to a crush. It was junior year. I was a frequent visitor to the library on campus. I was used to seeing this girl at the reception desk. We hardly ever talked. However, there was something interesting about her. An aura, to put it vaguely. Suddenly, I didn’t see her any more. Right about then, I just felt this violent desire to communicate with her. I wanted to know her. What kind of a person was she? And, a couple of weeks, as summer approached, I stumbled upon her blog, which she’d started. Talk about coincidence. Fueled by an overwhelming curiosity, I started one too and responded to one of her entries under a most flimsy pretext. I just lied- it wasn’t just curiosity I felt. I’ll come back to that later. In retrospect, my actions seem insane, but then, whenever I’m under the influence of an idea, I just have to follow it through. Somehow, she responded. My first few entries were without direction. But, in between entries, I would notice an increasing amount of angsty content. Things about love and what not. It was intoxicating. To think that you could write your darkest secrets on the web under the chance someone would be reading it. It made me feel like I was getting away with something extraordinary. But, it was immensely narcissistic. Somehow, a blog seduces you into thinking that you’re the center of the universe. You’re special. You don’t need to change. I’d never even considered the idea of trying to seek out friends. I just typed and typed. “Look at me! Look at me!” I was thinking. Look at these thoughts of mine. These heart wrenching screams. These pearls of wisdom. Be amazed by them. If you aren’t reading these entries, it’s your loss. I also thought of it as some sort of a creative outlet. Friends- I haven’t had a lot of them. In truth, I find friendship confusing. Human beings confuse me. I’m self-centered. So, don’t come seeking help from me, O friend. If it suits me, I’ll leave you where you are at the drop of a hat. It’s nothing personal. I have problems of my own. Yet, I’ve always found humans interesting. I like listening to their thoughts, their desires in the hope that I could find something there. Something that I could use. However, excess emotional baggage is just not my cup of tea. I like you, yes. I think you’re nice, yes. But, you don’t have the things I’m searching for. The problem with all the people I’ve met so far, online and offline, is that your world is quite small. Rather than experience something new, you people reduce everything to something you already know. Imagination is lost. You like to think of your opinions as the ones that matter. You are happy in your own sphere of comfort. Dreams remain dreams for your people. You can afford to think about love and angst. You can make excuses whenever you want. You have people to fall back on. You people don’t feel the need to delve deeper into the things you like. You’re not explorers. For me, the average life span of a human is too short. I suppose, it was the way I grew up. It was a pretty nomadic lifestyle. New faces, new languages. I felt comfortable being by myself. Reading about different sorts of things, I could understand more about this world I lived in. I fantasized a lot. I was always the explorer searching for something people had lost all hope in. But, I was always alone. It was a rich inner universe I created. The rest of society was something I saw through a window. There was an invisible barrier between us. I developed strong scientific interests. Interests that matched my desire for intellectual sojourns. As I read biographies of famous and infamous people, I was enthralled. There lived people I could identify with. People who had seen the dreams I’d seen, who shared my vision. So, that must mean there must exist people with whom I could share this world of mine. These are the people I look up to. I haven’t met them yet. That’s because I haven’t worked hard enough on it. To reach them requires an incredible amount if hard work and concentration. If I’m lucky, just maybe…. When I did finally tell the girl I liked her and I was shown a firm rebuttal, it hurt. I suppose I thought I could finally share this world of mine. No chance. Then, after several hours thought, I realized that just another girlfriend isn’t going to help me much. What I seek is, I suppose, my own way of living. A way of being a man. I want success. I want strength. I want power. I want prestige. I want to find out more, to seek more, perhaps out there on the frontiers, I could finally seek out the answers to my questions. I want to know just how far I can go. I want to be a child forever. Forever curious… The LJ Friends I’ve made in the past months aren’t just cutting it. You may be nice people, but… @Meursalt: If I didn’t know you, reading your posts alone I would have thought you’re a 10 year old kid, not some 22 year old guy. Really, you whine too much. Like any film critic, you’re someone who believes your opinions matter the most. You’re like the stereotypical Liberal Arts major. You’ve also got this irritating streak of one-upmanship in you. @Merrow: I really don’t know you all that well. Those one-liners were getting a bit irritating. @Unvisual: Aahh, yes, the first LJ Friend. I don’t think you’ll be reading this. Doesn’t matter. I think you’re quite the self-centered person. You seem to be rather excuse-prone. And rather arrogant, I would say. But, I don’t know you all that well either. And, really, do you care? I don’t think so. Somebody else one told me I had quite the God Complex. That could be true. Whatever I’ve said is what I think. I’m frank, brutally so. But, I’d rather tell someone the truth, or my version of it, than dilly-dally about and be polite which serves no purpose. I don’t expect to win a lot of friends my way. After all the serious talk, finally one of my favorite songs, released a year ago- “Parade” by Chaba. I’ve posted the English lyrics with the Romaji (From www.kiwi-musume.com) I love the strings- the guitar, the violin and the Sanshin, a cousin of the Shamisen, go together wonderfully. A very simple beat. Powerful vocals and wonderful lyrics. The wind blows and it hurts, my love won’t go away
What should I take with me? There’s only one
It’ll never come again, never come again, it’d be stupid to throw it away
That innocent image
Surely won’t end…
Set your heart in love on fire, cross through a thousand dreams
Run right and left, through the world you hold in your hand
The clouds scatter and the sun goes down again
And the one-person parade begins to move
An adventure, a lucky day, heartbeat rising, light and darkness, an encounter, life, mutual love
If you say something, the words make me
Smell your hair, inhale it, and cuddle up closer
I don’t know, I don’t know, I won’t know just from appearance
So I want, I want to get deeper
It’s like a dream…
Set your heart in love on fire, cross through a thousand dreams
Run right and left, through the miracle of meeting
The clouds scatter and the sun goes down again
And two parades melt into the night sky
There’s a night everyone’s waiting for, deep in their pockets
I hope you’ve found someone who lights you up, swims to you when you hold out your arms
With the same scenery as you
Set your heart in love on fire, cross through a thousand dreams
Run right and left, through the world you hold in your hand
The clouds scatter and the sun goes down again
This incomplete parade moves everywhere
An adventure, a lucky day, heartbeat rising, light and darkness, an encounter, life, mutual love...
Romaji
Kaze ga fuite itai kienai omoi
Nani wo motte ikou ka atsumete hitotsu
Nido to nai nido to nai suteru nante baka mitai
Mujaki ni natte imeeji
Kitto sore wa owaranai... Ai no mune kogase sen no yume watare
Juuoumujin kakete te ni tsukamu sekai
Kumo ga chigirete hi ga mata ochite
Hitori no pareedo ga ugokidasu
Bouken kichijitsu shinpaku joushou meian souguu seimei souai Moshi mo itte shimau nara anata no kami wo
Kaide sutte motto yoseau kotoba
Wakaranai wakaranai uwabe dake ja wakaranai
Dakara motto fukaku shitai shitai
Nante yume mitai... Ai no mune kogase sen no yume watare
Juuoumujin kakete meguriau kiseki
Kumo ga chigirete hi ga mata ochite
Futatsu no pareedo ga yozora ni tokete Dare mo ga matte iru poketto ni shizumeta yoru ga aru
Soitsu wo tomosu you ni te wo nobashite wa oyogu hito
Mitsukerareta nara ii anata no keshiki to onaji mono Ai no mune kogase sen no yume watare
Juuoumujin kakete te ni tsukamu sekai
Kumo ga chigirete hi ga mata ochite
Mikansei no pareedo de doko made mo
Bouken kichijitsu shinpaku joushou meian souguu seimei souai...
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